Friday, October 22, 2010

Obama's Inane Ditch Analogy

Obama in Oregon yesterday continued his use of the inane "driving into a ditch" analogy:
Oregon, imagine the Republicans driving a car into the ditch.  And it’s a deep ditch. And so we decided, well, we got to go get that car out of the ditch. And so me and Wyden and Merkley and Wu and Blumenauer and the Democrats, we went down there, we put on our boots. It was muddy down there. It’s hot. There are bugs everywhere. But we knew we had to get that car out of the ditch. So we start pushing on that car. We start pushing and pushing. And every once in a while we look and the Republicans are up there, just standing there. Not lifting a finger. And we -- and we tell them, why don't you come down and help because you all got the car into the ditch? They say, no, that's all right, but you need to push harder. You're not pushing the right way. So we just kept on pushing. And finally we get this car up on level ground. Finally, it’s pointing in the right direction. It’s a little -- it’s a little banged up. It needs to go to the body shop. It needs a tune-up. But we’re pointed in the right direction. And suddenly, we get this tap on our shoulder, and we look back and who is it? It’s the Republicans. And they're saying to us, Oregon, we want the keys back. And we got to tell them, you can’t have the keys back because you don't know how to drive. You don't know
Here's a more accurate rewrite of Obama's inane analogy.
A Democratic House and a Democratic Senate were driving a car down the road and they drove it into a ditch. They knew the Republican president was very unpopular, so they quickly scrambled out of the car, pointed at the Republican president, and yelled, "Look, he's got mud on his face! It's his fault! He drove the car into the ditch! He did it!"
Meanwhile, the Democrat's nominated a shiny new presidential candidate. Barack Obama told everyone who would listen, "When I'm president, I'll reach out to the Republicans, and Republicans and Democrats will walk hand in hand down into that ditch. The air will be clearer, the oceans will part, and we'll pull that car out of the ditch together. Besides that, when I'm president we'll no longer have cars or ditches. The ditches are there because greedy Wall Street bankers and insurance companies put them there just for cars to run into. We don't even need ditches! When I'm elected, all the cars will be solar powered and ditches will be a thing of the past."

The people believed Obama's shiny promises and made him president. He took off his tie, put on his working man shirt, and headed down into the ditch with Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, and Paul Krugman. Paul Krugman said, "If we get the wheels spinning fast enough we'll get the car out of the ditch. Just gun it." Nancy Pelosi said, "Wait, we've wanted to polish and wax the car for the last 8 years, and the Republicans wouldn't let us. Let's do that first." Harry Reid said, "I'll go get a fresh battery in case we need one someday."

So Obama's down in the ditch, and he's climbing into the driver's seat, and there are flies everywhere, and people are starting to line up to see what's going on. Krugman yells, "Gun it!" Obama floors it, and the wheels start to spin. Mud's flyin' everywhere, and the car doesn't move. Nancy Pelosi is cheerfully waxing the car in her halter top. Harry Reid says, "Anybody know where the battery goes?"

Now up on the side of the road some of the ordinary folks are saying things like, "Why is that young fellar spinning his wheels? Doesn't he know he's just digging in deeper?" One old guy yells, "Stop spinning your wheels. You're making it worse!" Obama yells back, "Stop complaining and get down here and help!" Nancy Pelosi's halter top is getting splotched with mud.

The Republicans scramble down into the ditch eager to help, and they start trying to push the car to break it loose. Obama yells at them. "Stop that! You can't do it that way. We've got to keep spinning the wheels." Nancy Pelosi offers some of the Republicans some car wax applicators, but none of the ordinary common people standing by the ditch understand why anybody would want to wax a car while it's still getting muddier. Harry Reid asks, "Anybody need a fresh battery?"

At that point the Republicans say, "Before we get dug in any deeper, let's stop for a minute and make sure we know what we're doing." Obama replies, "We can't stop now. We've got to get this car out of the ditch before the greedy bankers, evil pharmaceutical companies, godforsaken insurance companies, and rich people who don't pay their fair share drive more cars into the ditch on top of us! If we stop now, we'll never get this car out of the ditch." People look up and down the road, and there aren't any other cars coming, but they don't argue with Obama's strange claim. A couple of the Republicans step to the side and start figuring out a different way to help.

The Republicans recruit several tow truck operators and ditch diggers, people who have actually gotten cars out of ditches before. One of the ditch diggers says, "We need to push the car and get it rocking back and forth get some traction for the drive wheels." Obama says, "No, they taught us at Harvard that all you have to do is step on the accelerator." Paul Krugman says, "On the autobahn in Germany they don't push the car. They just floor it." Harry Reid says, "How about now? Anybody need a fresh battery now?"

The Republicans watch Obama, Pelosi, Reid, and Krugman work the car deeper and deeper into the ditch. They offer to help a few more times, but every time they offer to help, Obama accuses them of trying to block all the progress he's making. Obama keeps getting sweatier and sweatier, but the car isn't moving at all. Pelosi is now wearing more mud than halter top. Harry Reid has turned his battery upside down and is sitting on it. They are so intent their tasks they've stopped paying attention to the people on the side of the road.

After awhile Obama climbs up to the side of the ditch and sits down next to Harry Reid on the spare battery. He starts takin' a break, sippin' a Slurpee, and telling everyone who will listen, "Did you see that? There's only ONE car in that ditch! We sure prevented a lot of other cars from going down that ditch, didn't we? Did you see that? Did you see all the cars that didn't go into the ditch? Did ya? And the Republicans didn't help AT ALL! Aren't we great?! Democrats rule! Yeah!"

After he finished his Slurpee, Obama stood up, rolled up his sleeves, wiped some of the mud off his face, and gave an erudite and uplifting speech about how no car had ever been stuck in a ditch before like this car was, how Nancy Pelosi had shined that car better than any car had ever been shined in the history of shiny cars, how someday soon we would all be driving solar cars that wouldn't go into ditches, and Harry Reid had done the best job of carrying a spare battery around ever.

After listening to Obama for awhile longer, the people on the side of the road begin to walk away in disgust. One of them said, "That don't look like no solar powered car to me. That looks like a car that's covered with crap." Somebody else said, "Who decided that guy should be the driver? He doesn't know what he's doing, and he won't listen to anybody either."

And while Obama was talking, a few of the ordinary people climbed down into the ditch, picked up the car keys, gave the car a good shove, and got the car out of the ditch themselves.

Obama's right about one thing. It's time to take back the car keys. Be sure to vote in November 2!

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